I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”