Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The Backseat Boys
Jurassic park gets weird
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
A friend helps you before you need it