My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
i dont have time for this
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.