I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

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[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]


strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair


Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.


Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?


The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.


My 96-year-old mother called me specifically to discuss Guns N’ Roses. I on’t know whether to laugh hysterically or be very worried.


Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture


INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*