Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
dutch is not a serious language
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”