@SarahR_82

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

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@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@Lubchansky

strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair

@GianDoh

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@someonesmomma

My 96-year-old mother called me specifically to discuss Guns N’ Roses. I on’t know whether to laugh hysterically or be very worried.

@jbfan911

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*