HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
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strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My 96-year-old mother called me specifically to discuss Guns N’ Roses. I on’t know whether to laugh hysterically or be very worried.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.