Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@Lubchansky

strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair

@gary_augustine

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

@GianDoh

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@someonesmomma

My 96-year-old mother called me specifically to discuss Guns N’ Roses. I on’t know whether to laugh hysterically or be very worried.

@jbfan911

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@theBlatherskite

I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.