I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Meowchelangelo
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!