I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You Might Also Like
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.