I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.

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I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.



Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks


{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.


Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.


*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?


I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.


Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever


Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister