I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?