Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug