@Chelsea_Elle

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

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@alovablenerd

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

@AllanForsyth

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

@chrissyteigen

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

@BangMyBongo

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

@Reverend_Scott

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

@MadcapsTPS

They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.