I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor


I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.


I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.


Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.


John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit


Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time


[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”


They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.


Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.