I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
me
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.