I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
it is time once again
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?