I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Make new friends? bro out of what?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.