The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*