I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.