I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.


Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.


BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?


Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.


ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too


Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.


Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.