@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

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@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

@markydoodoo

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

@Sanbel11

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

@davidleecourt

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

@minermikeminer

Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.