If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Jane his wife
Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.