@SirEviscerate

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

@BlindChow

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

@KaptainKoRnie

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@LostLettermen

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!