[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.
Ok, just me?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Kik you? Like what? In the face?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!