*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere




Me: Walgreens.

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INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where’s his shoes?


[last meal on death row]



“Say when”

*winks to camera*


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.


A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it


They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.


Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.


[me all weekend]

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994


The cat licks itself and it’s cute. I do it and I’m “no longer allowed in the library”.