If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Can’t. Being lazy.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.