I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
selfie game
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: