A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.