I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.