@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Cop:haha
Me:haha
Cop…
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?

@Manali_Shetye5

Mom: can i borrow your laptop?
Me: *deletes history*
Me: *logs out of twitter*
Me: *closes chrome*
Me: *opens internet explorer*
Me: sure

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

@MsSugar_Kisses

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

@mynameisntdave

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

@MrEd_EVH

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.