I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar