I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*


I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.


If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.


Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I need several Ambuli stat!

911: Ambuli?

Me: Yea plural for Ambulance

911: No its not

Me: It should be


when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again


Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god


BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.


I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.