I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

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You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again


*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*


[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*


If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.


I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..