@jellybnbonanza

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

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@Mr_Kapowski

You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again

@CheetoBandito77

*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*

@Brampersandon_

[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@slaughthie

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

@LostFelicia

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..