Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.
If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?
I just want to be ready.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I need several Ambuli stat!
Me: Yea plural for Ambulance
911: No its not
Me: It should be
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.