@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

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@bridger_w

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

@davidgrossTV

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

@BoogTweets

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@dmc1138

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

@withanewname

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

@tsm560

Me: are you feeling this sexual tension between us?

Her: that’s just tension

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.