I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
when someone rings the doorbell
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
That’s not how days work.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.