I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.