I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.