If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.