i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”

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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit


in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”


little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business


[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”


I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift


I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.


I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.


Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.


Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.