My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
yeah 😭
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”