Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
incredible book dedication
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
These are too funny not to post 😂
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions