I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.