@Wordesse
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
@ReeseButCallMeV
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
You Might Also Like
@Wordesse
@lukekarmali
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
@williamsonnier
customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.
@sarcasticmommy4
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
@TheCatWhisprer
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
@dave_cactus
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
@itsWillyFerrell
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
@OtherDanOBrien
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
@TweetPotato314
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
@babyitsmb
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.