I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.


Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.


All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.


Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]


First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice


630: *wakes up to take dog for walk

632: *pours coffee and checks twitter

749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor


[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen


Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.


Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!