I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

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* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?


This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter


customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.


My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.


ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!


Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”


[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”


accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster


I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.