@audipenny: A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"

@smilely_gal: 7: "Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?" Me: "Are you the someone?" 7: "Maybe" Holy hell.

@Fickle_Filly: If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@BradBroaddus: Me: Thank you! Cashier: You have a good one! Me: That's the rumor! Cashier: ...

@Skoogeth: [a robber breaks into my house] me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval] me: not... [rubbing my temples] not like that tho