I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?


Burger King’s slogan “Have It Your Way” was shortened from “Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way”.


I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.


Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen


Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup


My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.


If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.


Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.