@runawaycupcake If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
@ReeseButCallMeV I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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@runawaycupcake 
@MartaEffing Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.
@kwirkyKerri All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.
@T_N_Crumpets Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
@bourgeoisalien First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
@gruffybeard 630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
@c12h22o11balls [4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
@StarWarsProblms Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
@bluesparrowbaby Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
@thepaulahunt Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!