I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
You Might Also Like
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.