@charliedelta7

I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

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@Smethanie

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

@NikiWithIssues

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

@ShoutingGoddess

When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they’re saying, ‘I’m an idiot,’ over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.

@FredTaming

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

@TheAlexNevil

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

@House_Feminist

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”