I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they’re saying, ‘I’m an idiot,’ over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.


him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]


Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!


god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce


therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t



me: what if everyone else is underthinking


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”