The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they’re saying, ‘I’m an idiot,’ over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”