First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You Might Also Like
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
The old gods are rising again.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”