DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
What is going on? 😅
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers