I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.