I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
hey, alexa
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box