I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.