@LolaFaglana

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

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@KevinFarzad

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

@pant_leg

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@000___000

“daddy why did the moon turn red?”
“because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie”

@FredPollack

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”