I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

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Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.


welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird


Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.


Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17


“daddy why did the moon turn red?”
“because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie”


I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”