“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
You Might Also Like
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊