I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out


Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.


People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.


Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December


Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…


Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.


Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol