I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.