@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

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@computerfact

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

@SentenceReduced

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@SteveSackington

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

@CrockettForReal

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

@TheBoydP

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@mickru79

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol