Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
What can I bring to your party?
Friend: A six pack.
[does 10 crunches]
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”