@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

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@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@LosLos__

What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]

[cancels]

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@thedadvocate01

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”