I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I think we should hear other voices.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”