I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.