All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
You Might Also Like
Camping tip: No.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*
Well played Peanut…!!
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either