I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!