@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

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@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@KyleMcDowell86

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@Delilah2141

People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep

@GrantTanaka

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.