I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

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*after sex*

Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”


[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell


Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.


Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one


People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep


I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.


I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.