@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

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@JessPish

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

@CantWaitToNap

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@lazerdoov

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

@StephenBCramer

Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.