“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You Might Also Like
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
This is my pinned tweet
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Monday
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
become ungovernable
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My purse is deeper than some people.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.