I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.