I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
went fishing caught a bass
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack