I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Thoughts