I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
oh shit
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.