I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
is this a warning or an offer?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.