I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)