@haileybri23

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

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@rebrafsim

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

@GodDammitDanny

To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

@abbycohenwl

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

@jeff_ratfamily

A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay

@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@TheAndrewNadeau

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.