@haileybri23

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

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@darksidedeb

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@Cpin42

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@InternetHippo

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.