forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.