@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.

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@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@fro_vo

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

@rogermacginty

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@E_lok44

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

@themessednest

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed