I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

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Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack


If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH


How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool


GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help


Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?


Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books


*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*