Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.