THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
How to flirt:
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*