I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
You Might Also Like
23. the denim jacket
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff